I have not been a happy blogger for quite some time. Which sucks, because writing is supposed to be an outlet for me.
I’ve been writing at http://www.youareagoodmama.wordpress.com for a year now. I started that site because I wanted it to be a haven for moms, a place where all moms could come, share their stories and realize that we’re all good mamas. A little ambitious for someone who was (is?) pretty broken. I think that blog was a subconscious way for me to ignore my own issues – take the focus off me by trying to help others.
I changed the focus of the site about 6 months ago, when I realized I needed to focus on myself more than other moms. But then I got caught up in the world of the mommy blogger. I began to look at this blogging thing as a way to get noticed, get admired, get famous even! I started composing posts with the thought of, “How many hits will this get me?” I put my blog’s “brand” on every stupid social media site I could find, and then felt like a failure when I couldn’t keep up with it all.
I joined a group of bloggers. It was supposed to be a place of support and learning, but for me it became a constant stream of comparison and self-doubt. I focused on the things I wasn’t doing (getting published on bigger sites, getting to do reviews/giveaways, getting recognized) and forgot the real reason I write: to keep myself sane.
My old blogging ways weren’t healthy for me. I felt I needed to make a total break from it. I also want to get away from a mommy-blog title. My blogging is about my whole life, which I’m starting to see must be more than just mommy.
So this is me, starting over. If no one ever reads this, I’ll be perfectly happy because what’s important is that I wrote it.