The douche I loved

Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Tell us about the first person you “fell” for.

Hmm. The first person I “fell” for. If we’re going solely on the timeline, I’d have to say my first “boyfriend” in 5th grade. I was mad for him, we dated a month and then I think he broke up with me. A-hole.

But if we’re going by significance, it would be a boy I dated in high school. We’ll call him J. We got together when I was a freshman (and he was a junior, natch). J and I dated for a few months, then I freaked out and couldn’t handle the seriousness. Wow, a rare moment of clarity for the teenaged me. Anyway, we remained somewhat friendly and ended up getting back together the next year.

This relationship might have had a happier ending, but we rekindled our romance shortly before my family imploded. He was an amazing part of my support system, but the effects of my parents’ subsequent divorce were profound. I had serious trust issues and I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship looked like. We broke up about 6 months later, shortly after he’d gone off to college. I think it was a combination of me being in a bad place (I’d contemplated dropping out of school, was dealing with some serious shit from my volleyball coach and didn’t feel strong enough to keep up a long distance relationship) and me being wooed by the douche.

The douche. We’ll call him R. We became friends and, after J and I broke up, he was the first person I had sex with. I did it not because I loved him, but because I DIDN’T love him. Remember those profound effects I alluded to? One of them was that I believe sex had nothing to do with love. So, I had sex with R when I didn’t love him, simply to prove this point to myself. We ended up dating for quite awhile and I grew to love him too much. So much that, after we officially broke up, I let him use me for sex. He knew I still had feelings, but only wanted me on the side. I just wanted to be close to him, so I gratefully, eagerly, took what little he’d give me. Keep in mind, this was all happening during high school. Way too much sex going on for a teenager.

Aside: Dear God I hope my son isn’t like me in high school.

I’m not fond of these stories of relationships past, but because they led me to my husband, I’m cool with it. I may not have found him if I’d taken a different path! He is my pot of gold at the end of the douche rainbow.

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